zachira

When I look through my journals I noticed I only kept records of my sad and bitter days. I'm a person who isn't sunny or jolly, although I wish I am. So that whenever sad things happen I'll just laugh it out and look forward to a new and brighter tomorrow. I'm such a melancholic fool. I wish I could change completely.

I told myself many times to always choose to be happy. But there are just days like this day where I can't help but sulk in a corner and cry. I just wish for a friend right now.

Is it my fault? Well who else is to blame right? This is my life. Have I live my life the wrong way? If so what is right? Maybe I didn't love myself enough. Maybe I fought hard for the wrong reasons. Maybe I believed in the wrong things. Maybe I'm being punished because I'm a bad person.

Please let there be a single ray of sunlight on this dark dark day of mine. I wish I could talk to God and hear His reply.

zachira

Ever since I started college, Chrisimas has become my least favorite holiday. As years go by I eventually forgotten the feeling of Christmas. It is Christmas once again, and I don’t feel anything special. It actually took me a while to realize it is Christmas, even though Christmas songs are being played where ever I go and Christmas decorations are everywhere. They are like shouting at my face telling me its this time of the year again and I completely ignore them. What a shame.

zachira

Last Nov 16 to 18 was the board exam for chemical engineers. Yesterday, Nov 19, the result was released. And I didn't pass. I am one of the 10 who didn't pass in my university. I just feel so sad, so devastated, I prepared for this for half a year and I just failed?!

It's the first time I felt this way again: my hear literally aches. I don't know what to do next. God has plans.Plans for me to prosper and not to wither. I should keep on trusting Him. I must look at this as a test of my faith in Him. That even if I fail, He has better and greater plans for me. Plans that I do not know of, plans that I couldn't even imagine. I just have to trust Him.

But still, there are buts, what ifs, and whys. I still have these whines, I want to be angry with Him, but I musn't. I prayed hard for this, this wasn't for me, this was for my Dad, for those who believe in me, and for Him. Maybe I didn't pray hard enough, or maybe I should've gone to many church, maybe I should've learned to pray the rosary. Maybe it is my fault.

Despite all these, I still have to move on, and continue my faith in Him. Two simple words that can make a big difference in our lives: faith and trust. Something that I have to learn over and over and over and over again.

Someday, in God's perfect time, I will have my share of glory.

zachira

9:34 PM 8/11/2010

Currently listening to "The One" by Vanessa Carlton

Golden boy again.

He texted just about an hour ago. and guess what, I got surprised and nervous all of a sudden! And I was smiling so broadly that my sisters think that I'm inlove with him! Oh I wish I am. 

He asked me to have coffee with him. He'll be out of the country again next week.

I didn't said yes right away, instead I asked him other questions. I was thinking, I wasn't ready to meet him. I am such a mess! I'm always such a mess. Lost, still lost. I've been running in circles, can't seem to move on. And I don't even know what to tell him. I mean he probably will tell me all of his adventures with all those reactors, heat exchangers and other equipment he has encountered abroad. And me, nothing,  nothing worth telling. But in the end i said yes. Why am I so conscious anyway? He's an old friend after all, we're not that really close, but he's really friendly. And maybe because I like him. I'm not sure. Oh yeah I suddenly remembered, there were two consecutive christmas vacations when we became textmates, then there was a point that he told an orgmate of ours (Benj) that we have this mutual realtionship (MU) and I don't know that time but I denied it, I mean it's not really true. Hahaha! Now that I'm remembering it, it really sounds funny! Then after that we didn't talk for a long time. I thougth it was over between us. But then he was always the first one to approach, then we'll talk again as if it never happened. 

I don't know if I like him, maybe it has been too long since I actually loved an opposite sex. And the last time I did I was hurt so deep.

I have been to so many heart breaks. (sigh) I just want someone who could accept me as I am right now, and willing to go through the changes that I will be encountering in this cruel world. I can't stand another heart ache. So I have to better watch out for this one. I think I want to like him, but I think he only sees me as a friend. I don't know, I really don't want to assume. I really really don't want to assume.

I don't know if he heard about what happened between me, nikki and co. During those miserable months, I lost contact with him again. I was too preoccupied with my own issues back then. We met again when I was performing my thesis experiment at the envi lab, I wasn't able to talk to him properly back then because I was busy and he too has other things to attend to. Then voila he texted out of the blue, claiming that he got my number from odeth. 

I hope we'll have a nice chat over coffee this friday. 

I'm happy.

Oh yeah I remember I always said that I'm happy that someone like him exist, he is a living proof that guys like him still exist. 

10:16 PM 8/11/2010