I hate the way you turn your back to me and have a loud conversation with other people. I hate the way you show me how happy you are. I hate the way you walk, you talk. You’re really gay!
I hate that you told me how important I am, how you love me.
I hate you.
You’re gay and a liar.
I never expected that you’d really turn me down!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang sakit friend.
Whenever I leave it's hard for me to go back. I've been thinking of leaving. But everyday it gets harder and harder to say goodbye.
I see her, and it gets even harder. I don't want to break her heart.
"...a gracious exit" my friend would say. "...you have to forgive, before you leave." another friend would say.
I have to talk to her. I really have to, but then these questions always pop up:
"what would I say to her?"
"how will I say it?"
"when will I say it?"
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I wonder where GOLDEN BOY is...
Last time I talked to him was weeks ago, haven't heard from him them since. Well I haven't heard from him because I didn't log in in facebook and yahoo messenger for weeks too, hehehe, so there's no way for communication, unless he text or call me.
Anyway, I bet he's not thinking of me. Anyway I think I miss him, in a friendly way ok.
He'll be back this coming December. Weee!:D
Waaah!
I just have to let this go. My mind is clouded with things like "I want to leave the apartment", "Ayaw ko na!", "San ako magstay?", "Anong oras kaya ako uuwi?", "San kaya ako lilipat?", "Papayag kaya sila?", "Maiintindihan kaya nila?". Alaways all about me! WAAAH somebody hit me right now! And tell me that I'm an idiot, stupid, selfish! Somebody hit me! And tell me what should I do! I'm so fixated with this freaking problem that I can't see Lord's purpose, I can't hear Him, I can't focus on Him!
I just don't know what to do!
I'm so weak! so stupid! grrr!!!!
In the end I'll always be the one who is wrong.
It's good that they easily moved on.
Too bad I just can't when they're still around!
Lord, I just give up! I give up.
I just don't deserve to be with them, I'm too stupid and weak for them, too emotional, too unenlightened, I just don't fit in.
HAAAAAYYY
If only I could only have space and time. If only I could be far away from them for a long time.
Yeah that's me, one who always run away, a coward.
i just don't know...
Wish someone knows...
I bet God is talking to me, but my ears are kept shut with my whines! Someone really needs to hit me really really hard!
WAAH! Lumindol! only for about 2 seconds, and you won't notice it, unless you're sitting still or looking at a cup of water on a table. Anyway it happened a couple of times before.
I'm at BOSTON Cafe, savoring their free internet service, unfortunately I left my charger at the dorm! I still have at most 2 hours till the battery's out. I'm actually waiting for someone. One of my orgmates actually, he's gonna copy some episodes of bleach.
I'm going to Makati today, because I don't want to see nor hear James. Yeah that's the main reason. :D But when I come back, I'll be enduring his very presence for the next couple of months. Its kinda like torture. But I'll get over it, hopefully, I'll get tired of running away. Maybe, he too, maybe he'll get tired hating me too.
I've been trying to escape. I'm like an escape artist. I'm able to escape from them for a few days now. I stay away from them. Well maybe sembreak hasn't given me enough time and space to move on and get over it. So I've given myself until my birthday. Then I'll have to face them again, only this time, I'm not sure if I'll ever be the same again or if we'll ever be the same again. All I'm sure is, I don't want to hurt them again.
What a sem it has been. I'm the reason why everything is like this. I keep on torturing myself. I could give advice to anyone who seems like me. I easily get annoyed with anyone who seems like me. But I never know how to stop being me. This the part of me that I want to change, that needs changing.
